thesheltiequeen: (Default)
Sometimes I forget how interconnected all of my main voices are. I spend so much time focusing on their differences that I overlook their similarities. Recently, as I rethink everyone's histories and remodel biographies I have been so entranced by the strong differences that define each of my main "characters." But it was tonight when listening to, well, you know, Tool, ("Lateralus" in particular), that it dawned on me how interconnected all of us are. How we together make a whole.

I've mentioned this to most all of you who can read this. When I was away in treatment I was encouraged by my Therapist to connect to my voices. To write down who I felt the most in me that day, or who I felt connected to, or who just tugged at me deeply that day. It was piling these things together, and continuing to after I've left there, that I have come to sort of know the real "Jolyn," and not the girl who lived to please the world to her own destruction over and over again. I've had to learn to live for me, which is fucking hard. I won't lie - I usually still don't. I don't live cause I'm happy with myself, I live because of wanting to be there for the people I love. I'm just trying to become one of those people I love.

So it was pretty cool to be at one of the top treatment facilities in the world (Rehab, but I went there mostly for their DBT program, not for the drug addiction part of my story, though that's a huge part of me), and being encouraged to write down what character I felt like that day. I had shown her images of them, and she thought it was a great idea. She would, and has, encouraged and even assigned patients in the past to do what I do naturally.

And it's working. Slowly I'm learning more about me, and in the process, more about them. I never really realized how much like Devon I am. It's kind of scary how much I am like him. He's definitely the character I am the most like out of all of my voices (minus Marilyn since he's basically just become male SW). So he's strong in me, and I'm trying to quiet him some, because he is that people pleaser who lives for others only. Except when he's with Hush, and he learns to live for himself too…

And yeah, Marilyn has basically become male SilverWing. He's not him literally, that's my character Travis, it's that metaphorically SW and Marilyn are the same. And seeing as Marilyn was the fursuit I got, he sort of became my alternate persona. But he's pretty much a male dream-version of myself. He's the most perfect boyfriend in the entire world, the cutest thing ever, smart, loving, empathetic, just… perfect. He's happy, he's smiling, he's always in a good mood. So yeah.

Lots has changed since I've come to understand things about myself and my voices. Anima was the first change, of course. And it was intense. It was very personal. And very, very powerful. Enough for me to sit here and say I see him as a male representation of the goddess Hecate, which makes him even more akin to his name, the "Anima," or the feminine part of the male psyche - which he is, to himself. His "Anima." His feminine part of his male psyche. And in a way instead of an "Animus" I have an "Anima," because I am a tomboy, so if I was a guy, I'd be waiting for my "Anima," too. And the way we represent things and balance off each other, those gender roles can be pretty interchangeable. ….also, Tool… it all worked out pretty great.

Anyway. Of course it was Anima's impact that made me open my eyes. Especially when I realized over all these years that Anima had been here to teach me lessons, guide me, lift me up, and help me become everything I can be. Everything he sees in me. He's just a really fucking tough guy.

Meanwhile Gravity isn't as much as I used to make him out to be. Anima and Gravity contain the same amount of magic. Honestly, Anima is stronger. If it did come to it Anima would overtake Gravity. But it would be like the theory of two parallel worlds colliding - and would trigger a huge supernova and brain explosion for me. I think I'd either be dying or going mad.

But Gravity isn't all "woooooo visions" and "dancing around clouds and seeing cool shit" like I thought he was. He's real fucking serious and isn't all up to that shit. He doesn't chill out in a house in the clouds with all these pets and shit. He just exists and who knows what he's doing when he's not in front of you he's just existing. Like gravity - it's always there whether you notice it or not, it's why we don't go flying off the planet as it rotates around the sun.

Anima can lift me up and lead me to a state of euphoria (or can taunt me with the promise of euphoria, or peace of mind and contentment), or Anima can drag me down and make me feel the stings I feel when I go under. So I remember each one now.

I could go into all their purposes. But again, "Lateralus" ~ and it's always these lyrics that just seem to get to me:
"I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human…"
And the way Maynard sings those lyrics. So spaced out you don't really think of them as one idea until you sit back and remember that it's one long statement. And then how it flows into the ending that leads to the gong and just all that fucking shit.

They are all connected.
Here you go guys have some more crazy while I'm talking about all this character shit:
A lot of times in my head I imagine a sort of band of my characters playing the music I'm hearing. It's been a thing I've done since I was really young, like listening to Johnny Rzeznick and imagining I was a Gargoyle that meets him at night and we fall in love etc… ok.
So later on that became a band of Donnath on lead vocals and lead guitar, Anima on backup vocals and bass, SW on backup guitar and Neema on drums. Don voices Maynard (Tool) and Johnny (Goo Goo Dolls). Anima voices Meshuggah and Manson. Lekura voices NIN. Dimitri voices Pantera and Slayer. Delu voices Jack off Jill/Scarling/Kidney Thieves. Lullaby voices Bjork. SW/Me does Eminem!! That's right bitches! And Neema will do Dr. Dre or Snoop Dogg parts and other rap shit. Eva will pop in and rap if they need a bitch. Marilyn also plays bass, does keyboard and noise things. So most of them do stuff even if just for a song or something. And there are things about the others and things I'm still realizing today, (like me realizing lately that Devon is badass at the violin, viola, cello, even the stand up bass, which he looks REALLY CUTE playing! ;3 )

YAAYHHH so anyway on music playing in my head and Lateralus was on and it just made me think of them, working together to create one thing so beautiful and then etc bam, even Anima and Don standing there eventually tolerate each other, Ani and Neema have made peace, you can even feel a sense of care between each of them towards the other no matter how much they try to hide it. They are somehow just attached to each other no matter how much they wish they weren't. So even if some haven't met others, they still have felt things the others have felt, or some of their feelings/memories are those of another. They just blur together.

AAND I've been reading some old shit I wrote way back when and I did used to have them all interacting with each other more so I need to do that again. Because they've all kinda calmed down now but some still do fuck with each other.
I AM SO FRUSTRATED that I cannot find a story I wrote that I was actually proud of. I actually have it printed out thankfully but it makes me wonder what else I've lost.. hopefully it's on some exterior hard drive I have. I think I'm going to type it in. It was about Anima and Frostbite to the lyrics of "Pushit."

So I wanted to share some of this shit. Because hi, character journal. Ran out of room for a SW icon so this Anima one will be my default.

Sheltie out. Arf.

July 2015

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